Learn how to say No with confidence and without fear
How many times have you wanted to wholeheartedly say No to someone or something and then felt the frustration of politely giving in with a smile ! We’ve all been through one of those situations innumerable times and even though some of these “Yeses” are harmless, there are others that can have an adverse impact our time, schedules and priorities.
Last minute meeting requests by colleagues, telephone calls at an odd hour, price negotiations by clients, going on that second date simply out of politeness ….the list goes on. Whether it’s the fear of damaging a relationship, losing business or simply the primal need to fit in, we often find ourselves the victims of our own inability to put our interests first.
Haven’t all of us at some point suffered the consequences of not taking a stand when needed – followed by feeling stuck, compromised, guilt and/or angry. However, for those who make a habit out of saying Yes regardless of consequences on their time and work, the long term repercussions could be far reaching. Derailed career goals, harmful patterns and expectations in relationships, lost time with family and an overall dissatisfaction from not being to prioritise what’s most valuable are just a few.
Considering all the damage the fear of saying No or the compulsion to say Yes can cause, it is absolutely imperative that we learn to use both our Yes(s) and No(s) judiciously. For those who feel refusing anyone anything is nothing short of criminal offence maintaining the following perspective can help release some of the pressure arising from it
- Saying No to a request/work/activity is not equivalent to saying No to the relationship. People with high self-worth understand and appreciate the value of your time and commitments.
- Giving into demands that interfere with your personal goals or commitments may present short term gains like the perceived feeling of being liked by others or not having to step out of your comfort zone, however in the long run this behaviour can turn out to be counter-productive.
- Your time on the planet is a limited commodity – there is only so much you get to spend on and with the people who matter. Make your choices wisely.
- Discover the roles that are important to you as an individual. Roles can be categorised under four buckets – Individual, Work, Family & Relationships and Citizen. Once you are conscious of what’s valuable to you, it will get easier to save your Yeses for people and activities that fall under those roles.
- Set the correct expectations through effective and smart messaging. For e.g. By controlling the urge to reply to your emails over the weekend you can send a clear message about your working style and availability.
- Assume most people are reasonable. Clear and open communication is appreciated and respected. For instance, if you are not comfortable attending an unplanned meeting its always a better option to decline upfront in a courteous manner. If you struggle with pushing back initially, work on your phrasing and tone ahead of time to build confidence.
- Before choosing to spend time on an unwanted or unexpected activity, make a conscious effort to check how other key aspects of your life are getting impacted – work objectives, family commitments and most importantly your “me time”. Anything that creates an imbalance within or around you is worth reconsidering.
- Last and most important, staying connected with yourself and placing a high value on your over wellbeing is key to staying confident in your choices and decisions.
Most personal or professional interactions can be addressed with upfront, timely and transparent communication. However, more challenging situations like a demanding boss or unreasonable partner requires being in tune with your value system, gaining more clarity on your short and long term goals and tapping into or acquiring other pertinent skills such as conflict management and emotional intelligence.
In the end, the responsibility for setting the tone in our lives lies solely with us. Therefore, it is important to respect and value yourself as well those who matter to you. As someone wise said – Love yourself and everything else will fall in place.